Welcome to Love Frontier Therapy. We are here to help couples flourish and feel more connected.
Relationships can be super confusing. You have the ‘honeymoon’ stage where your partner can do no wrong, and then after a while, issues and misunderstandings can start to pile up. We can get disappointed because we start to see all sides of our partner when before we had on rose-colored glasses. It’s really normal at first to see your partner as ‘ideal’ and only their fabulous sides, that’s part of the idealized ‘first love’ phase. It’s also normal to start getting to know your partner fully – that’s a good thing! Nobody is perfect and we all have sides that are more difficult. Relationships are a big part of what help us recognize our own patterns and integrate and heal them. We all bring parts from our childhood (even when our childhood was pretty great) because no childhood is perfect and we all have mini-trauma from the past (or full blown trauma). Almost every couple has negative patterns that start to emerge – that is totally normal because we are human. Usually our ‘negative patterns’ are fueled by reactive emotions that we got used to because they kept us safe growing up. Like getting mad, critical, hopeless, stuck, or withdrawn. But they are usually not helping in our relationship, but doing the opposite and making it harder to communicate.
Typical Stressors on Relationships and Families
There’s a lot of stuff in life that adds stress and makes things harder. It’s good to know what those kinds of things are so you know what to look out for.
When you first get engaged, when you are talking about getting engaged. When you are moving in together. Weddings. Kids. Job. All stressors. It’s hard to believe that getting married could make things harder, but it can. I remember when I first got my engagement ring and I woke up in the middle of the night and told my husband ‘my hand feels heavy’, ‘I feel trapped’! You wouldn’t think a ring could do that, but that’s just me I guess.
Lots of couples feel similarly, and it’s a relief to know that it’s normal to have stress even around the most beautiful things, like marriage. Thank goodness you don’t have to be perfect! And no, there’s no formula to being pregnant or getting married. You might even fight on your honeymoon. Relationships are messy but awesome. It helps to know that messiness and difficulty is normal. Because then you don’t have to beat yourself up about not being the perfectly happy fiancee, married person, etc.
You are normal, and messiness and difficult patterns are not a result of something being terribly wrong. It’s easier to ask for help when you know that it’s normal to struggle and that relationships can be hard.
When we add the extra layer of second-guessing ourselves and getting self-critical because we don’t fit the ‘mold’ (whatever that is!), we are even more miserable.
Some fighting in relationships is very normal. It’s how we recover that’s important. No disagreement or fighting at all can be a bigger problem because that’s when stuff is usually being pushed down. There’s only so long we can push down hurt, misunderstanding, and loneliness – better to let off a little bit of steam sometimes.
One goal in helping couples find each-other again and to conquer negative patterns is to help couples have good conversations and thereby to get to feel safer again. That helps them to repair in the moment, become more resilient, and give each-other second and third chances. That is the excitement, beauty, and growth in a relationship. Because when you get the repair right (first by accepting and forgiving yourself for getting it wrong the first time), even more closeness and love can blossom. You never get bored because relationships are living breathing beings that can grow and become more intricate and deeply loving with time.
Accept messiness, repair ruptures, and love each-other more and more with each passing day.